Super B Complex + Vitamin C + a Big Mac
There are many things in this universe that are unexplainable. I’ll be honest, I have neither the patience nor the brain power right now to think of any of these things, but I’m sure you could come up with a few.
Things that are ironic or things that just don’t make sense. Questions without answers and other things of that nature.
I ordered some vitamins online last week – Super B Complex with Vitamin C.
I received my vitamins in the mail today, from an Amazon seller. One of those small, independent nutrition companies, I’m guessing.
I got my big handy dandy bottle of vitamins (why do they always smell so gross?) along with a coupon for McDonald’s.
…
I kid you not.
One would assume that someone takes vitamins because they are trying to be healthy. How in the world does McDonald’s coincide with this?
I’ve come to the following conclusion, this is a wail. One part win for the simple amusement factor and one part fail for the total irony. Therefore, a wail.
-Pam
How to Have Fun at Work
1. Call out sick.
2. Convert your desk chair into a makeshift Tilt-a-Whirl. When co-workers pause outside of your office, clearly confused by your continuous spinning, tell them the ride cost 2 tickets and they have to meet height requirements.
3. Create some type of launch mechanism using various office supplies. Paperclips, rubber bands, and pens will all do nicely. Use said device to launch wads of paper over cubicle into coworker/enemy territory.
4. Food thievery. Why bring your own lunch when you can steal somebody else’s?
5. Get to the office before everyone else and go around and smear super glue on all of the telephone receivers. One 9:30am hits, start calling your co-workers.
6. At the next round of water cooler talk, as everyone is sipping from their cup, announce, “So did ya hear one of the maintenance guys pissed in the water cooler?”
7. Place a small piece of tape on the clicker thingy on the phone so that when your boss answers, the phone continues to ring. Write resignation letter immediately.
8. Answer your phone, “911, please state your emergency.”
9. Drape your cubicle or office doorway in mosquito netting. Whenever you emerge, randomly slap at yourself the entire time you’re out in the open.
10. When all else fails: http://icanhascheezburger.com/.
Office Supplies
I have this sick, twisted love for office supplies. Over the years, my tastes have either changed to fit my needs or matured. When I was in school, I LOVED back to school shopping. There was nothing made of more awesome than going to Staples and/or Target and picking out Five-star notebooks and matching folders, each set color coordinated for a particular class. SICK.
Once I started working office jobs (thank bb jeebus because I hate retail) my love for office supplies multiplied x infinite.
There are certain supplies that I think everyone with an office or a cubicle should have. First and foremost, a pen holder. Currently I have a 3-compartment circular pen holder, black, plastic, from Staples. It’s actually kind of big for this type of device, but it holds more than just pens. Left compartment is for new, unused pens and markers, my letter opener (which I could totally defend myself with if need be; it’s like a mini sword), nail file (bc hi, I’m a girl) and a pair of scissors (orange handles ftw). Right compartment is for pens that are in-use and a pencil (I don’t really write with pencils but I think I should have one anyway). The small, front compartment of my pen holder houses my staple remover.
Speaking of staple removers. How cool are they? They are like mini nom nom nom monsters with no face. Epic. If a staple remover ever got into a fight with a stapler, I think the staple remover would win. They just seem fiercer.
FYI, my staple remover and stapler are also black, as in my tape dispenser. Sry2say I used to have an epically red tape dispenser but it was lost in the battle of preparing for an art show last month. It’s okay, because I like to coordinate and my pretty black dispenser matches other supplies plus my on-desk picture frame, computer, monitor shelf, and computer speakers.
Why they make our office phones grey and not black is beyond me. FAIL.
Moving on, more handy dandy supplies: Post it notes. Because they are made of win. They are small and convenient and sticky BUT NOT ALL OVER. You can get them in different shapes (hearts and stars are my fav) and different colors (I can haz red?). Hmm, too bad they don’t come in black, then they could match my other utilities, though they’d be hard to read…UNLESS YOU HAD A SILVER PEN.
My favorite supply is a recent find. DabnSeal Envelope Moisteners. Each 50 ml tube seals over 1500 envelopes! What a simple invention and I bet whoever made it is a gizillionaire. I do a lot of mailings at work and this little bugger is handy; who in their right mind wants to lick an envelope? Ew. Besides the possible tongue paper cut (and they hurt, I’ve had them) the taste is gross and I know I’ve heard a story about bug/spider eggs being pressed into those licky lines. Nothxkbai.
Liquid Paper DryLine Grip white out pens are also made of awesome. They are smooth working and last forever. So much better than liquid whiteout; that shit stinks.
Paperclips are another thing that everyone uses. I like simple, silver paperclips. I find that the color ones usually have some weird ass plastic coating that bothers me. I also despise the paperclips with the grooves in the metal. Wtf is the point of that? I can haz plain, old paper clips? Kthxbai.
Unfortunately, I often find myself in need of a rubber band. I hate them. I don’t like touching them. Then that rubbery smell is all over your hands and god forbid your fingers make their way to your mouth because rubber bands taste as bad as pennies (not that I actually eat these things, but ya know, hand/mouth accidents do happen).
I think those are some of the most important and frequently used office supplies. I also highly recommend keeping some of the following on hand: a hole puncher (3-holes ftw), binders, extra rolls of tape, a calculator, binder clips, a ruler, a business card holder, thumbtacks, paper trays (I have about 6 of these stacked on my shelves, holding all sorts of things) and a file cabinet never hurt anyone (well, actually my file cabinet almost fell on me once, but luckily I have cat-like reflexes and managed a wicked show of self preservation).
Lastly, when in doubt of what particular office supplies you might want or need, taking a stroll down every aisle of Staples can be a lot of help. I like the pen aisle. Papermate Profiles ftw.
- Pam
I can haz bottled water?
I’m drinking Spring! bottled water today. I’m not really sure why because it tastes like the water that sits overnight in one of those feet-rinsing buckets that some people put at the bottom of their pool ladders (I know my dad does). Except without the grass and dirt…well, actually you can still taste the grass and dirt, you just can’t see it.
It’s beyond me how a company can make water taste bad. I mean, hello, it’s water!
The label is full of as much fail as the liquid it contains. The tag reads:
You can trust that Spring! is just what it says: 100% natural spring water, bottled to replenish your body and mind. Live, breathe and hydrate, knowing that every bottle comes fresh from abundant, protected sources for your well-being.
It’s the “abundant, protected sources” that worries me. I mean, how vague can you get? Are we talking prison toilets? Aliens? Some scummy, algae-infested pond in the middle of nowhere? Thx but nothxkbai.
Give me Aquafina any day. Srsly.
- Pam
Real, live slang
I’m one of those people who use email, instant messaging, and text messaging on such a daily basis that my typing slang has weaseled its way into my verbal slang. Sick, right?
Here are some of my favorite slang terms that I both type and speak:
Epic – This word is perhaps my favorite. Of all time. Not only does it get the most awesome of points across, but it doesn’t even have synonyms. Not one. I looked on dictionary.com and my handy-dandy pocket dictionary/thesaurus. And nadda. How epic.
Examples:
Mike Richards is epic.
Winning the lottery and never having to work another day in my life would be epic.
Kthxbai – This one is just fun to use in general. You can totally shut someone up with it. And it’s another phrase that gets your point across.
Examples:
The Flyers will beat the Caps in Saturday’s game kthxbai.
Hi, Bossman. I’m calling in a personal day. Kthxbai.
Heeeeee - If ever there is a need to express extreme excitement, use this phrase.
Examples:
Gerry Butler’s P.S. I Love You is coming to blu-ray in May…heeeeee!
Heeeeee the Flyers won game 3 in the 2nd round of OT!
Oh hai - So short. So simple. So many uses. A greeting, an exclamation, a throaty fangirly purr. The list goes on.
Examples:
Oh hai, Richie.
This day is never-ending. Oh hai going home early.
Srsly - Abbreviation of “seriously.” Like that really needed an explanation.
Examples:
If this day doesn’t end, I will kill myself. Srsly.
I would srsly take a bullet for Mike Richards.
bb - Abbreviation for “baby.” Another fun one.
Examples:
Oh hai, bb.
Who’s your bb’s daddy?
So those are just a few of my favorite slang terms. I’m not joking when I say I type them and speak them. Srsly.
- Pam
Hi, my name’s Pam and I’m an addict. Kthxbai.
According to my handy dandy electronic dictionary/thesaurus, addiction is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.
Of course we’re all familiar with drug addictions and alcohol addictions, both practically diseases in their own right that can cause bodily harm and/or death and pretty much ruin lives.
But what about other kinds of addictions? Maybe less serious ones and definitely less morbid ones (yay for humor!) but addictions nonetheless. I’d like to discuss a few of my own personal addictions.
Chapstick - Yes, I’m addicted to chapstick. And not just chapstick but any kind of lip gloss or lip salve, really. But I hardly ever wear lipstick. Strange, yes? At this precise moment, I have three different chapsticks in my purse. And another sitting within arm’s reach of me on my desk. At home I have four different lip moisturizers strategically placed around my room so I’m never more than a foot or two away from full-lip hydration.
Hockey – Of the Philadelphia Flyers variety to be exact. I really think hockey takes up at least 80% of my daily conversation. How sad, yet epic. I probably know more about these boys than they do. And I experience immense joy when I declare something before sports commentators and analysts do. Shows I know what I’m talking about if the pros are discussing the topics that plague my puck-loving’ mind. Alas, off season will be suicide-inducing.
Lotion – What can I say? I like to be moisturized…yea, that sounded dirty. Dry skin and chapped lips gross me out. Seriously, I probably have the softest elbows of anyone I know…of anyone you know. I have a basket full of lotions in my closet, though I favor C.O. Bigelow’s lemon body cream. At work, I go for Curel’s Targeted Therapy hand & cuticle lotion because it’s fast-absorbing and doesn’t leave a residue. Lotion applications occur after the morning shower, whenever I wash my hands through out the day, and before bed. It’s a sickness, you see.
Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups – I cheated here a bit because anything Reese’s is a favorite of mine. Except those nasty wafer snack bar things. Oh and white chocolate. Oh and the inside out Reese’s cups, because really, why mess with perfection? Needless to say, I always have Reese’s on hand.
I wonder if there are 12-step programs for any of these. I doubt it. But I’m glad, because I couldn’t live without them. And I wouldn’t want to.
- Pam
April Fool’s Day: A revolving, weep-inducing cosmic phenomenon
According to Wikipedia, April Fools’ Day or All Fools’ Day, though not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, enemies and neighbors, or sending them on fools’ errands, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible.
I’ve never really paid much mind to April Fool’s Day, but I think it deserves some particular attention at this point in my life. Mainly because as of late, I feel as though I’m the butt of a big, cosmic joke. What could I possibly be referring to?
The never-ending work day o’ doom, of course. Seriously.
I leave for work every morning—to a job and a boss that I actually enjoy—knowing that I’ll spend the next eight hours of my life there. But lately, eight hours has somehow morphed into 483,059,840,958 days. I do not jest, lie or exaggerate.
When I’m slumped over my keyboard, drool dripping form the corner of my mouth, too brain fried and useless to answer my phone, much less do any real work, I can’t help but stare at those taunting little numbers on the bottom right side of my computer screen and weep internally. Sometimes externally, too.
For how can it possibly remain 2:58 PM for four hours straight?
So, until this cruel and unusual phenomenon can be explained, or shall I dare say, undone, I will remain slumped over my keyboard and forced to incur the wrath of April Fool’s Day over and over and over and over….well, you get the point.
Below, courtesy of Wikipedia, are a few well-known April Fool’s Day jokes that made me shed a giggle or two (what? You didn’t think I’d actually be working at work, did you?):
*Smell-o-vision: In 1965, the BBC purported to conduct a trial of a new technology allowing the transmission of odor over the airwaves to all viewers. Many viewers reportedly contacted the BBC to report the trial’s success.
*Taco Liberty Bell: In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to “reduce the country’s debt” and renamed it the “Taco Liberty Bell.” When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
*Left Handed Whoppers: In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Not only did customers order the new burgers, but some specifically requested the “old,” right-handed burger.
-Pam
