1. Call out sick.

2. Convert your desk chair into a makeshift Tilt-a-Whirl. When co-workers pause outside of your office, clearly confused by your continuous spinning, tell them the ride cost 2 tickets and they have to meet height requirements.

3. Create some type of launch mechanism using various office supplies. Paperclips, rubber bands, and pens will all do nicely. Use said device to launch wads of paper over cubicle into coworker/enemy territory.

4. Food thievery. Why bring your own lunch when you can steal somebody else’s?

5. Get to the office before everyone else and go around and smear super glue on all of the telephone receivers. One 9:30am hits, start calling your co-workers.

6. At the next round of water cooler talk, as everyone is sipping from their cup, announce, “So did ya hear one of the maintenance guys pissed in the water cooler?”

7. Place a small piece of tape on the clicker thingy on the phone so that when your boss answers, the phone continues to ring. Write resignation letter immediately.

8. Answer your phone, “911, please state your emergency.”

9. Drape your cubicle or office doorway in mosquito netting. Whenever you emerge, randomly slap at yourself the entire time you’re out in the open.

10. When all else fails: http://icanhascheezburger.com/.

I have been in the pee-smelling city of New Orleans for the last several days attending a conference of medical madness. This time away included the precious, once-thought-untouchable-personal-days-of-rest-from-the-evil-place-also-known-as-work weekend; therefore, epic fail of the nonposting occurred. Pam, you have no excuse for nonblogging, although I must admit, you are the queen of this blog and I, a mere dunce, a jester, a mite in your blogging court. Today is my first day back at the office, and I have lost my mind.

To begin, I glanced over my cubicle wall–or fortress, really, barrier, doomsday blockade, if you will–through my boss’ door, and out the window to see a beautiful, sunshiney day. However, when I exited the building during my pseudobreak to run to the bank, there was rain. The level of grossness outside…is gross. I find myself wondering if I only imagined the sunshine, if it was just some strange vision, hallucination. Was it just the reflection of the light from the sun behind the clouds or was it a reflection of my soul, longing for escape?

The second misleading event of the day occurred in the morning. I received an email from a coworker, directing me (and the rest of the company, all CC’d) to the cookies in the kitchen. Joy! Sugary chocolate deliciousness! A knight in shining armor, rescuing this poor damsel from her fortress o’misery. A bit of sweetness in an otherwise epically dark time! But when I went to the kitchen, not long at all after the email was sent, THERE WERE NO COOKIES! What is this trickery, this black magic, this evilness? To say there are cookies when no cookies are to be found? Fail, I say, fail!

After my bank excursion, I returned to the dark, dismal place called my cubicle. I brushed misery aside and went back to work, glancing up at my screen occasionally to check emails or IMs. During one particular glance-up, I saw the words, “The city called. They want their fail back.” I looked down at my desk, realized what I had read, and glanced up again. The words were gone.

A few things immediately struck me. Sadly, the first thing was: Why is the city a “they” and not an “it”? City should be singular, damnit! Second, I scolded myself for having grammatically incorrect hallucinations. But then I began to contemplate the meaning of this vision. It is already fast fading, but I believe it was in an email; the words were not just floating freely across my screen, but rather caged in Entourage, the way my soul is caged in this cube.

Am I that city? Am I failing? Or is the city trying to take the fail away from me? And what city could this be? The questions are endless. As is this day, my entrapment in this cell-cube-like space, and this LIFE!

-Alice

The primaries are tomorrow. I don’t know if I fall into this generation or not, but at election times, I recall the Vote or Die campaigns of Puff Daddy…P. Diddy…whatever….and I am concerned that we live in a nation where we are encouraged to vote with our guts rather than our heads.

Young people who are pushed to vote because it is the cool thing to do, sorry to say, do not actually turn out to the polls when the time comes.

Is it really better just to vote for the sake of voting than not voting at all? This makes no sense to me.

Is not voting for Barack Obama tomorrow actually a vote for Hillary “Hilldawg” Clinton? I doubt I will make it to the polls, not because I don’t care, but because I don’t know what to do. My head and gut are both lost with this election. Is not voting for either a vote for John McCain?

And once it comes down to two nominations, come November, will my head have finally made a decision? I doubt it. It amazes me that in the United States of America, our elections have come to this…

We have a weak Republican candidate and two Dems who, I sadly must admit, I can not picture in office. Personally, I would love for Obama to take the oath in January, but my gut tells me this will not happen. My gut tells me, too, that Hillary can’t win, either.

My brother, who has always been more political than I am, who knows economics, who can explain our government–he’s just a smarty pants, really–says he is not voting. I am shocked, but he can’t decide, either, and I don’t blame him. His head is lost, as well.

-Alice

Update: I just received this forwarded text message, “Today is the day to make a  change. No matter who your choice is, please vote in today’s primary election.” I think that is precisely the problem–voting for the sake of voting. As if to say, “It doesn’t matter what you think, just vote for anyone, for cryin’ out loud!”

There is little that I love in life lately. But one thing that has not changed despite all the misery that surrounds me, that chokes me in my cubicle, is that I absolutely love grocery shopping. I shop late on Thursdays and I look forward to this adventure. I have several rules that I obey when I embark on my spree. I only shop at Trader Joe’s, Acme, and Wawa. Trader Joe’s sells the world’s greatest guacamole, a staple in my apartment. Mexican night is once a week. Almost all of my ingredients for a Mexican meal must come from Trader Joe’s. However, the sour cream can’t come from Trader Joe’s; it must come from Wawa. In fact, all of my dairy (except for cheese OTHER than Wawa American cheese singles) must come from Wawa. Milk, eggs, sour cream, cheese slices all come from Wawa because I believe that I am somehow supporting the local economy by doing this. And because if I do this, my dairy matches.

My brand sensitivity might be a bit out of hand. When I shop at Acme, I stick as closely to the store brand as a I can. There are exceptions. Mayonnaise and ketchup must be Kraft and Heinz. I once read that the most brand loyalty in America is, in fact, mayo. Duh. Store brand is usually cheaper, although I do get a thrill when Tropicana is on sale. I break all the rules for Tropicana No Pulp.

The biggest thrill I have had when grocery shopping came only after shopping. I was wandering up and down the cereal aisle late on Thursday on a desperate search for Lucky Charms. I could not find them, and I was becoming more dazed and confused. I was meandering the store like a lost sheep, a sick puppy. Until I discovered Acme’s brand of the cereal. I was nervous about this purchase. Lucky Charms > all cereal. Or so I thought. However, when I went home with this box, I was pleased to discover an abundance of marshmallows, even greater than Lucky’s 33% more. And the taste was nearly the same, if not better. Nom nom nom.

-Alice

I can has blog?

-Alice