How to Have Fun at Work

May 20, 2008 at 4:11 pm (Alice, Pam) (, , , , , , , , , )

1. Call out sick.

2. Convert your desk chair into a makeshift Tilt-a-Whirl. When co-workers pause outside of your office, clearly confused by your continuous spinning, tell them the ride cost 2 tickets and they have to meet height requirements.

3. Create some type of launch mechanism using various office supplies. Paperclips, rubber bands, and pens will all do nicely. Use said device to launch wads of paper over cubicle into coworker/enemy territory.

4. Food thievery. Why bring your own lunch when you can steal somebody else’s?

5. Get to the office before everyone else and go around and smear super glue on all of the telephone receivers. One 9:30am hits, start calling your co-workers.

6. At the next round of water cooler talk, as everyone is sipping from their cup, announce, “So did ya hear one of the maintenance guys pissed in the water cooler?”

7. Place a small piece of tape on the clicker thingy on the phone so that when your boss answers, the phone continues to ring. Write resignation letter immediately.

8. Answer your phone, “911, please state your emergency.”

9. Drape your cubicle or office doorway in mosquito netting. Whenever you emerge, randomly slap at yourself the entire time you’re out in the open.

10. When all else fails: http://icanhascheezburger.com/.

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Hallucinations Of City-Sized aka Epic Proportions

May 8, 2008 at 3:31 pm (Alice) (, , , , )

I have been in the pee-smelling city of New Orleans for the last several days attending a conference of medical madness. This time away included the precious, once-thought-untouchable-personal-days-of-rest-from-the-evil-place-also-known-as-work weekend; therefore, epic fail of the nonposting occurred. Pam, you have no excuse for nonblogging, although I must admit, you are the queen of this blog and I, a mere dunce, a jester, a mite in your blogging court. Today is my first day back at the office, and I have lost my mind.

To begin, I glanced over my cubicle wall–or fortress, really, barrier, doomsday blockade, if you will–through my boss’ door, and out the window to see a beautiful, sunshiney day. However, when I exited the building during my pseudobreak to run to the bank, there was rain. The level of grossness outside…is gross. I find myself wondering if I only imagined the sunshine, if it was just some strange vision, hallucination. Was it just the reflection of the light from the sun behind the clouds or was it a reflection of my soul, longing for escape?

The second misleading event of the day occurred in the morning. I received an email from a coworker, directing me (and the rest of the company, all CC’d) to the cookies in the kitchen. Joy! Sugary chocolate deliciousness! A knight in shining armor, rescuing this poor damsel from her fortress o’misery. A bit of sweetness in an otherwise epically dark time! But when I went to the kitchen, not long at all after the email was sent, THERE WERE NO COOKIES! What is this trickery, this black magic, this evilness? To say there are cookies when no cookies are to be found? Fail, I say, fail!

After my bank excursion, I returned to the dark, dismal place called my cubicle. I brushed misery aside and went back to work, glancing up at my screen occasionally to check emails or IMs. During one particular glance-up, I saw the words, “The city called. They want their fail back.” I looked down at my desk, realized what I had read, and glanced up again. The words were gone.

A few things immediately struck me. Sadly, the first thing was: Why is the city a “they” and not an “it”? City should be singular, damnit! Second, I scolded myself for having grammatically incorrect hallucinations. But then I began to contemplate the meaning of this vision. It is already fast fading, but I believe it was in an email; the words were not just floating freely across my screen, but rather caged in Entourage, the way my soul is caged in this cube.

Am I that city? Am I failing? Or is the city trying to take the fail away from me? And what city could this be? The questions are endless. As is this day, my entrapment in this cell-cube-like space, and this LIFE!

-Alice

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Office Supplies

May 2, 2008 at 12:34 pm (Pam) (, , , , , , , , , )

I have this sick, twisted love for office supplies. Over the years, my tastes have either changed to fit my needs or matured. When I was in school, I LOVED back to school shopping. There was nothing made of more awesome than going to Staples and/or Target and picking out Five-star notebooks and matching folders, each set color coordinated for a particular class. SICK.

Once I started working office jobs (thank bb jeebus because I hate retail) my love for office supplies multiplied x infinite.

There are certain supplies that I think everyone with an office or a cubicle should have. First and foremost, a pen holder. Currently I have a 3-compartment circular pen holder, black, plastic, from Staples. It’s actually kind of big for this type of device, but it holds more than just pens. Left compartment is for new, unused pens and markers, my letter opener (which I could totally defend myself with if need be; it’s like a mini sword), nail file (bc hi, I’m a girl) and a pair of scissors (orange handles ftw). Right compartment is for pens that are in-use and a pencil (I don’t really write with pencils but I think I should have one anyway). The small, front compartment of my pen holder houses my staple remover.

Speaking of staple removers. How cool are they? They are like mini nom nom nom monsters with no face. Epic. If a staple remover ever got into a fight with a stapler, I think the staple remover would win. They just seem fiercer.

FYI, my staple remover and stapler are also black, as in my tape dispenser. Sry2say I used to have an epically red tape dispenser but it was lost in the battle of preparing for an art show last month. It’s okay, because I like to coordinate and my pretty black dispenser matches other supplies plus my on-desk picture frame, computer, monitor shelf, and computer speakers.

Why they make our office phones grey and not black is beyond me. FAIL.

Moving on, more handy dandy supplies: Post it notes. Because they are made of win. They are small and convenient and sticky BUT NOT ALL OVER. You can get them in different shapes (hearts and stars are my fav) and different colors (I can haz red?). Hmm, too bad they don’t come in black, then they could match my other utilities, though they’d be hard to read…UNLESS YOU HAD A SILVER PEN.

My favorite supply is a recent find. DabnSeal Envelope Moisteners. Each 50 ml tube seals over 1500 envelopes! What a simple invention and I bet whoever made it is a gizillionaire. I do a lot of mailings at work and this little bugger is handy; who in their right mind wants to lick an envelope? Ew. Besides the possible tongue paper cut (and they hurt, I’ve had them) the taste is gross and I know I’ve heard a story about bug/spider eggs being pressed into those licky lines. Nothxkbai.

Liquid Paper DryLine Grip white out pens are also made of awesome. They are smooth working and last forever. So much better than liquid whiteout; that shit stinks.

Paperclips are another thing that everyone uses. I like simple, silver paperclips. I find that the color ones usually have some weird ass plastic coating that bothers me. I also despise the paperclips with the grooves in the metal. Wtf is the point of that? I can haz plain, old paper clips? Kthxbai.

Unfortunately, I often find myself in need of a rubber band. I hate them. I don’t like touching them. Then that rubbery smell is all over your hands and god forbid your fingers make their way to your mouth because rubber bands taste as bad as pennies (not that I actually eat these things, but ya know, hand/mouth accidents do happen).

I think those are some of the most important and frequently used office supplies. I also highly recommend keeping some of the following on hand: a hole puncher (3-holes ftw), binders, extra rolls of tape, a calculator, binder clips, a ruler, a business card holder, thumbtacks, paper trays (I have about 6 of these stacked on my shelves, holding all sorts of things) and a file cabinet never hurt anyone (well, actually my file cabinet almost fell on me once, but luckily I have cat-like reflexes and managed a wicked show of self preservation).

Lastly, when in doubt of what particular office supplies you might want or need, taking a stroll down every aisle of Staples can be a lot of help. I like the pen aisle. Papermate Profiles ftw.

- Pam

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