I can haz bottled water?
I’m drinking Spring! bottled water today. I’m not really sure why because it tastes like the water that sits overnight in one of those feet-rinsing buckets that some people put at the bottom of their pool ladders (I know my dad does). Except without the grass and dirt…well, actually you can still taste the grass and dirt, you just can’t see it.
It’s beyond me how a company can make water taste bad. I mean, hello, it’s water!
The label is full of as much fail as the liquid it contains. The tag reads:
You can trust that Spring! is just what it says: 100% natural spring water, bottled to replenish your body and mind. Live, breathe and hydrate, knowing that every bottle comes fresh from abundant, protected sources for your well-being.
It’s the “abundant, protected sources” that worries me. I mean, how vague can you get? Are we talking prison toilets? Aliens? Some scummy, algae-infested pond in the middle of nowhere? Thx but nothxkbai.
Give me Aquafina any day. Srsly.
- Pam
semifinals ftw
oh hai. so im watching the flyers and im like oh no! u can haz tie? u can haz overtime? lupul bb pls richie? and then i was like omg not sry2say lupul has goal! epic. and i was like omg he is so happie and then i was like get off him he can haz air? pls kthxbai! it appears to be time for semifinals sry2say gainst habs. not sry2say it is a good match and biron? he can haz save. price just a bb. powerplay scares me but i kno in mah heart mah boys can haz win. epic victory. kthxbai.
-alcat
Blood & Guts
The primaries are tomorrow. I don’t know if I fall into this generation or not, but at election times, I recall the Vote or Die campaigns of Puff Daddy…P. Diddy…whatever….and I am concerned that we live in a nation where we are encouraged to vote with our guts rather than our heads.
Young people who are pushed to vote because it is the cool thing to do, sorry to say, do not actually turn out to the polls when the time comes.
Is it really better just to vote for the sake of voting than not voting at all? This makes no sense to me.
Is not voting for Barack Obama tomorrow actually a vote for Hillary “Hilldawg” Clinton? I doubt I will make it to the polls, not because I don’t care, but because I don’t know what to do. My head and gut are both lost with this election. Is not voting for either a vote for John McCain?
And once it comes down to two nominations, come November, will my head have finally made a decision? I doubt it. It amazes me that in the United States of America, our elections have come to this…
We have a weak Republican candidate and two Dems who, I sadly must admit, I can not picture in office. Personally, I would love for Obama to take the oath in January, but my gut tells me this will not happen. My gut tells me, too, that Hillary can’t win, either.
My brother, who has always been more political than I am, who knows economics, who can explain our government–he’s just a smarty pants, really–says he is not voting. I am shocked, but he can’t decide, either, and I don’t blame him. His head is lost, as well.
-Alice
Update: I just received this forwarded text message, “Today is the day to make a change. No matter who your choice is, please vote in today’s primary election.” I think that is precisely the problem–voting for the sake of voting. As if to say, “It doesn’t matter what you think, just vote for anyone, for cryin’ out loud!”
Real, live slang
I’m one of those people who use email, instant messaging, and text messaging on such a daily basis that my typing slang has weaseled its way into my verbal slang. Sick, right?
Here are some of my favorite slang terms that I both type and speak:
Epic – This word is perhaps my favorite. Of all time. Not only does it get the most awesome of points across, but it doesn’t even have synonyms. Not one. I looked on dictionary.com and my handy-dandy pocket dictionary/thesaurus. And nadda. How epic.
Examples:
Mike Richards is epic.
Winning the lottery and never having to work another day in my life would be epic.
Kthxbai – This one is just fun to use in general. You can totally shut someone up with it. And it’s another phrase that gets your point across.
Examples:
The Flyers will beat the Caps in Saturday’s game kthxbai.
Hi, Bossman. I’m calling in a personal day. Kthxbai.
Heeeeee - If ever there is a need to express extreme excitement, use this phrase.
Examples:
Gerry Butler’s P.S. I Love You is coming to blu-ray in May…heeeeee!
Heeeeee the Flyers won game 3 in the 2nd round of OT!
Oh hai - So short. So simple. So many uses. A greeting, an exclamation, a throaty fangirly purr. The list goes on.
Examples:
Oh hai, Richie.
This day is never-ending. Oh hai going home early.
Srsly - Abbreviation of “seriously.” Like that really needed an explanation.
Examples:
If this day doesn’t end, I will kill myself. Srsly.
I would srsly take a bullet for Mike Richards.
bb - Abbreviation for “baby.” Another fun one.
Examples:
Oh hai, bb.
Who’s your bb’s daddy?
So those are just a few of my favorite slang terms. I’m not joking when I say I type them and speak them. Srsly.
- Pam
Hi, my name’s Pam and I’m an addict. Kthxbai.
According to my handy dandy electronic dictionary/thesaurus, addiction is the compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.
Of course we’re all familiar with drug addictions and alcohol addictions, both practically diseases in their own right that can cause bodily harm and/or death and pretty much ruin lives.
But what about other kinds of addictions? Maybe less serious ones and definitely less morbid ones (yay for humor!) but addictions nonetheless. I’d like to discuss a few of my own personal addictions.
Chapstick - Yes, I’m addicted to chapstick. And not just chapstick but any kind of lip gloss or lip salve, really. But I hardly ever wear lipstick. Strange, yes? At this precise moment, I have three different chapsticks in my purse. And another sitting within arm’s reach of me on my desk. At home I have four different lip moisturizers strategically placed around my room so I’m never more than a foot or two away from full-lip hydration.
Hockey – Of the Philadelphia Flyers variety to be exact. I really think hockey takes up at least 80% of my daily conversation. How sad, yet epic. I probably know more about these boys than they do. And I experience immense joy when I declare something before sports commentators and analysts do. Shows I know what I’m talking about if the pros are discussing the topics that plague my puck-loving’ mind. Alas, off season will be suicide-inducing.
Lotion – What can I say? I like to be moisturized…yea, that sounded dirty. Dry skin and chapped lips gross me out. Seriously, I probably have the softest elbows of anyone I know…of anyone you know. I have a basket full of lotions in my closet, though I favor C.O. Bigelow’s lemon body cream. At work, I go for Curel’s Targeted Therapy hand & cuticle lotion because it’s fast-absorbing and doesn’t leave a residue. Lotion applications occur after the morning shower, whenever I wash my hands through out the day, and before bed. It’s a sickness, you see.
Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups – I cheated here a bit because anything Reese’s is a favorite of mine. Except those nasty wafer snack bar things. Oh and white chocolate. Oh and the inside out Reese’s cups, because really, why mess with perfection? Needless to say, I always have Reese’s on hand.
I wonder if there are 12-step programs for any of these. I doubt it. But I’m glad, because I couldn’t live without them. And I wouldn’t want to.
- Pam
No Pulp. Kthxbai.
There is little that I love in life lately. But one thing that has not changed despite all the misery that surrounds me, that chokes me in my cubicle, is that I absolutely love grocery shopping. I shop late on Thursdays and I look forward to this adventure. I have several rules that I obey when I embark on my spree. I only shop at Trader Joe’s, Acme, and Wawa. Trader Joe’s sells the world’s greatest guacamole, a staple in my apartment. Mexican night is once a week. Almost all of my ingredients for a Mexican meal must come from Trader Joe’s. However, the sour cream can’t come from Trader Joe’s; it must come from Wawa. In fact, all of my dairy (except for cheese OTHER than Wawa American cheese singles) must come from Wawa. Milk, eggs, sour cream, cheese slices all come from Wawa because I believe that I am somehow supporting the local economy by doing this. And because if I do this, my dairy matches.
My brand sensitivity might be a bit out of hand. When I shop at Acme, I stick as closely to the store brand as a I can. There are exceptions. Mayonnaise and ketchup must be Kraft and Heinz. I once read that the most brand loyalty in America is, in fact, mayo. Duh. Store brand is usually cheaper, although I do get a thrill when Tropicana is on sale. I break all the rules for Tropicana No Pulp.
The biggest thrill I have had when grocery shopping came only after shopping. I was wandering up and down the cereal aisle late on Thursday on a desperate search for Lucky Charms. I could not find them, and I was becoming more dazed and confused. I was meandering the store like a lost sheep, a sick puppy. Until I discovered Acme’s brand of the cereal. I was nervous about this purchase. Lucky Charms > all cereal. Or so I thought. However, when I went home with this box, I was pleased to discover an abundance of marshmallows, even greater than Lucky’s 33% more. And the taste was nearly the same, if not better. Nom nom nom.
-Alice
April Fool’s Day: A revolving, weep-inducing cosmic phenomenon
According to Wikipedia, April Fools’ Day or All Fools’ Day, though not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, enemies and neighbors, or sending them on fools’ errands, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible.
I’ve never really paid much mind to April Fool’s Day, but I think it deserves some particular attention at this point in my life. Mainly because as of late, I feel as though I’m the butt of a big, cosmic joke. What could I possibly be referring to?
The never-ending work day o’ doom, of course. Seriously.
I leave for work every morning—to a job and a boss that I actually enjoy—knowing that I’ll spend the next eight hours of my life there. But lately, eight hours has somehow morphed into 483,059,840,958 days. I do not jest, lie or exaggerate.
When I’m slumped over my keyboard, drool dripping form the corner of my mouth, too brain fried and useless to answer my phone, much less do any real work, I can’t help but stare at those taunting little numbers on the bottom right side of my computer screen and weep internally. Sometimes externally, too.
For how can it possibly remain 2:58 PM for four hours straight?
So, until this cruel and unusual phenomenon can be explained, or shall I dare say, undone, I will remain slumped over my keyboard and forced to incur the wrath of April Fool’s Day over and over and over and over….well, you get the point.
Below, courtesy of Wikipedia, are a few well-known April Fool’s Day jokes that made me shed a giggle or two (what? You didn’t think I’d actually be working at work, did you?):
*Smell-o-vision: In 1965, the BBC purported to conduct a trial of a new technology allowing the transmission of odor over the airwaves to all viewers. Many viewers reportedly contacted the BBC to report the trial’s success.
*Taco Liberty Bell: In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to “reduce the country’s debt” and renamed it the “Taco Liberty Bell.” When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
*Left Handed Whoppers: In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Not only did customers order the new burgers, but some specifically requested the “old,” right-handed burger.
-Pam
